Skip to main content

Posts

Showing posts from 2018

When should you go to the doctor?

HEADLINE! Errors made by medical staff possibly the 3rd leading cause of death
Are you thinking, "What the huh? That can't be right. Does that mean I stand a greater chance of living if I DON’T get a colonoscopy?"

“With approximately 251,454 deaths in the U.S. per year due to medical errors, Johns Hopkins University researchers estimate that this is the third leading cause of death in the country.  (Research published in the Journal of Patient Safety estimates the number of premature deaths due to medical errors could be even higher – over 400,000 per year.)“ Source:  Medical Medical Errors Statistics

Before deciding, first consider what the government and hospitals tell the public, and then consider what they don't tell us. According to the CDC at Leading Cause of Death, heart disease and cancer take the number one and two causes of death in the United States. According to their website these two causes are followed by :

3. Accidents
4. Chronic lower respiratory dise…

We are all going to die

One of my favorite pastimes is to wander around the local cemetery and contemplate death, life, Pokemon and big gulps.

The cemetery houses a panoply of widely diverse deceased.  Headstones indicate the residents range from the never-to-be-born infant to the 100 year old geezer and everyone in between. Male, female. Parent, child. Rich, poor. Beloved, and not so beloved.

As stupid as it may sound, I tend to forget that my days are limited. Each day feels like an eternity. The years feel like a never-ending, dull road that never reaches a destination worth going to. The only thing that changes is the face I look at in the mirror each day.

My cemetery rounds help me focus and remember that  life is brief. I tell myself to stop being afraid and make the most of the time I have left. And I am inspired. And then I leave the cemetery and all inspiration escapes like the hot air leaving a punctured balloon

In the beginning I believed that a life worth living was one filled with friends and f…

Is the best thing you can hope for to die in your sleep?

Remember when you were 16 and thought you'd live forever? Then one day (probably decades later) you realized that even you...yes you!would go belly-up sooner or later?
That is a horrible and beautiful realization.
With death now looming, what, if anything, did you change?

Possible responses:  Bury your head in the sand. Drink, eat, watch Netflix. Keep yourself occupied with bread and circuses so you don't have to think about the hard stuff.Live healthy. Start living healthier (e.g., did you stop doing one or more of the following: smoking, drinking, eating junk food, sitting, looking directly at the sun, being friendless, stressing out...about dying, etc.) to postpone your last breath?Default to the next life. Double-down on the afterlife and really start following the rules of the religion and/or cult you grew up in (e.g., eating the right food and drink God said to, treating others in God's prescribed manner, sacrificing your wants and needs for those of the higher power…

Short-term vs long-term relationships?

I've met and connected with so many interesting people over the years who I will most likely never speak with again. Some have moved to different companies, some live in different countries, and some were random meetings in airports or restaurants whose names I can't even remember.

This happens to most of us to some extent due to the hustle-bustle transient lifestyles of the modern world. Most people come into our lives and go. Gone are the days where people are born in a village and spend the remainder of their lives with the same 150 people.

I used to wonder if my life would be richer and more fulfilling if I could find a way to make the awesome transient connections with people less transient...meaning the people I meet and like by chance, would come into my life, but not go away entirely.

But after a long time of pondering, now I'm guessing changing most transient relationships to permanent ones would ruin the magic. Those brief human connections are like tiny miracle…

Toilet paper companies are treating you like you treat their toilet paper

Do you remember where you were and what you were doing when you first realized that companies  sneakily downsize their products and charge the same amount (or more) for a smaller quantity of goods?

For me, I was in Walmart in 2008. I was trying to buy ice cream for a family dinner. My mom asked me to bring three half-gallon containers of ice cream. My mom is a food perfectionist. She usually never allows anyone other than herself to bring food to a dinner for fear we will imperfect her perfect meal. Even on Thanksgiving, she only entrusts we guests to bring things like condiments, candles, and salt. This was a rare opportunity for me to prove to her that I could at least buy ice cream perfectly.

I scoured the store's giant freezer for 2 quart containers. I found 1.7, 1.5, even 1...but alas, no 2 quarts. I turned and plowed through the group of five angry shoppers who had gathered behind me impatiently waiting to get their ice cream and left the store in an angry panic.

"Mayb…

Why is emasculate even still a word?

unsplash-logoDaniel Apodaca

Male comedians make a lot of jokes about getting emasculated, and I don't get why that is still a thing.

I'm not mad, or militant about it. I just don't understand how these points of view are helping these men in their lives. I am a curious cat and want to figure it out.

Apparently being emasculated is the worst thing in the world and makes men feel sulky, sad and victimized. And in rare, extreme cases, drives some men to murder random women, since in their perspective, women are the sole cause of emasculation.

Let's talk this whole thing out...

First off, the word "masculine" describes someone with the stereotypical qualities and appearance traditionally associated with men.

A "masculine" man, per the manly-man textbook, describes the ideal embodiment of the male species as a big, strong, aggressive, virile, competitive, domineering, stoic person who is cold and calculating, unfailingly logical and unaffected by emotion…

Before you judge others, make sure you walk in their baby-seal lined shoes.

I had an epiphany today. Today, I viewed the world through another's eyes.

In a flash of unexpected insight, I came to understand why people butcher those adorable white baby seals.

I  was at our local hunting store this afternoon with my two boys. My aspiring redneck was looking for camouflage pants with a specific camo pattern that would guarantee him a shot at the rarest, most sought-after, near-mythical buck... tomorrow...for sixty dollars or less.

Meanwhile, my baby-seal-adoring younger son and I discovered a pair of camo pants made out of the warmest, fluffiest, softest, most comfortable sleeping bag we'd ever experienced.They were amazing.

My whole life I've waddled around in sleeping bags thinking that my life would be complete if I could just live in these bags of heaven. It never occurred to me to splice the bottom and turn them into wearable, practical pants. And yet, here I was, face-to-face with this miracle, brought to fruition  from some creative genius get…

Things to never do at an airport

My mistakes are your learning opportunities.

Airports are like their own country. They have their own rules, regulations, and enforcement that takes little consideration of peoples' rights. They are much more stringent and well, for lack of a better term, militarized. Think Soup Nazi from Seinfeld. If you want what they are selling, you gotta play by their rules...no matter how ridiculous.

I get it though. They have to do the needful to prevent disaster and mayhem that will put them out of business. I'm not asking them to change. I am sharing my insights for the common folk so you have an acceptable experience each time you fly:

NEVER:

Engage with a pilot sitting next to you on a flightGet noticibley injuredTake more than 3 items from the food basketBring a vibrator through securityRefuse to get friskedAsk for the entire can of Diet CokeArgue with any of the airline employeesHave a middle initial on your driver's licence that is different than the initial on your ticketCom…

Stop calling and texting me

Before cell phones, when I wanted to get away from everyone I simply walked outside. Or took the phone off the hook, or just let the phone ring. And people were cool with it. They would just try again later, solve their own problems, or call someone else. People didn't expect other people to be "on call" all day every day. They were patient. If they really needed to get a hold of you, they would find a way.

Now with cell phones, we are essentially on-call all the time. And we don't even get paid for it. You can be at a movie, communing with nature, or peacefully staring at the wall, and any yahoo can contact your phone and expect you to answer. And if you don't answer right away, or not at all, they get mad and offer that awesome new job to some other person or stop inviting you to family dinners.

The cell phone is like a black cloud hanging over all the good life experiences---you never know if you'll get that call/text that will force you to mentally leave…

Go therapize yourself - Car Self-therapy

Therapists are just telling you what you already know. If you want convenient, free, and effective therapy, cut out the middle man. Therapize yourself...in the safe, comfortable, private sanctuary of your car.

If you don't know where to start, start here...reading the rest of this post.

It's easier than you may think.

First you need an "audience." It doesn't really matter who is in the audience, you just need a captive listener. So I suggest said audience should be you. After all, who knows you better than you?

Now jump in your car and start the video recording device on your cell phone, put it in "Selfie" mode and yammer away.

In car self-therapy you play both parts. First you are the patient. As the patient, your job is to blurb out everything, I mean EVERYTHING that is eating at you, hurting you, and stopping you.

When you're finished blurbing, you then become the therapist. The therapist gently makes observations and suggestions based on the bl…

Let's stop depressing ourselves...don't watch comedies where the last five minutes is sad/sentimental

Why are so many shows that claim to be comedies include segments that are the opposite of funny. Scenes that make me sad or want to dry-heave? Generally, these fun-killers occur in the last five minutes or so of these alleged "comedies." For lack of a better term, I call this practice, "The last 5 minutes of Scrubs."

I enjoyed Scrubs. I watched all the episodes. I laughed---until I didn't. The last 5 minutes always had some sad dose of reality --- like someone dies, someone dies, or someone dies. I stopped watching the last five minutes of each episode, and that made all the difference.

Look, I get it...we all die. Don't worry Hollywood, I don't need a reminder. Not a day goes by when I don't think about the unavoidable deaths of my loved ones, myself, and my enemies. The first two making me continuously sad. I have enough sad. Most days I work to get my head just above drowning in sad. To help me survive, I watch funny shows. And then too many of …

Disposable clothes

They sell disposable diapers, wipes, plates, utensils, toilet bowl brushes, and razors. So why don't they make disposable clothing?

Imagine a world where you never had to wash clothes. Instead of spending the entire day processing fifteen batches of laundry, you are now free every Saturday to go horseback riding, hang gliding, or watch TV and eat Doritos.

Imagine when traveling,  instead of stuffing a heavy, inconvenient suit case full of clothes, and then dragging it all over the world, you just bring your wallet and Chapstick. When you get to your destination, you simply make a quick stop to the disposable wardrobe store and you're set for the duration of your trip. When it's time to go home, you just stuff those disposable shirts, pants and socks into the garbage can and you're off!


Imagine for just a moment, feeling like Oprah, and putting on brand new clothes every single day. You'll always be in-fashion since you are getting a continual supply of stylish, ye…

Prevent saggy balls. Pre-order my most-likely to be patented solution

I recently watched Ricky Gervais' Humanity Netflix special. In it he mentions his scrotum has grown humorously longer as he has aged. (And here I thought those man parts couldn't get any weirder.)

He made light of his sack sag. While it's obvious that he doesn't love it, he can easily find the humor in it. I, however, cannot.

No, I don't own a pair down there, but I still have to deal with them on a daily basis. To me, his rendition of old, long, buoyant balls sounds horrifying. I don't know if that's because I'm superficial, or because I've never owned a pair of testicles, or because that area already skeeved me out.

Regardless of why, Gervais' "special" was a shocking revelation to me. It made me realize that if I sit idly by and do nothing, over time, those dangly man-bits will eventually morph into something even worse than they are now. I cannot let that happen. At that moment, I vowed to find a way to reverse that situation, and…

When people compliment something that is yours but not you

Check out my dogs..
Adorable, right?

On the rare occasion when I leave the house and take these two scoundrels for a walk, passersby often tell me kind things about them...

ME: "Ooo, sorry, he doesn't bite...usually... he just growls when he wants to play! Don't be afraid!"
THEM: "What a beautiful dog." and/or "What a cute puppy!"
ME: awkward silence followed by awkward noises and awkward gestures

I used to say "Thank You" when people complimented the appearance of my pets. But it started making me feel icky, like the feeling I get from the rancid smell of an old dish towel someone used to sop up milk...a week ago.

Who am I to take credit for Trigger's feisty puppy spunk or Wizby's soft golden fur? I had no part in the creation of my dogs...I did none of the upfront design, nor any of the creation work. Plus, I can't take credit for their awesome behavior either since both dogs are poorly mannered and untrained. All I did was p…

Don't Leave Your Epitaph To Your Kids

When you have a moment, may I suggest that you have a seat, put pen to paper and write down what you want etched on your headstone. This is the final statement the rest of the world will read about you for years to come, and therefore should not be left to your bozo family members.

Next time you're wandering (or speed-walking, or playing Pokemon Go) in a cemetery, notice how little creativity was put into the epitaphs. When most people are deciding what to write on their dearly-departed's tombstone, they probably just pick one from the list on the sheet of paper taped to the wall next to the receptionist's desk at the Headstone shop,  titled "50 Top Epitaphs." If you leave your epitaph to your "survivors," yours will just be one more headstone that none of the early-morning joggers at the cemetery stops to look at.

It's not your family's fault. Granted, none of them are very creative, but you died and they're most likely sad. They aren'…

You care too much. Embrace apathy without mercy or guilt.

When pondering the world's problems do you ever gaze out the window with a soulful expression and think to yourself,
"The modern human drive to improve life for everyone is pointless...because nobody flippin' cares... If only they cared...then...oh, the wonderful possibilities.Or something like that.

Do you frequently assert that if people just cared more we could genuinely improve our schools, our government, our neighborhoods, ourselves, and basically the entire world around us?

If so, let me suggest maybe the problem isn't a lack of caring, but the opposite. What if one of the fundamental "problems" with society is that people care too much about too many things. Wait. What?

How much time do you spend 'caring' about and talking about things you can't control---such as other people's opinions (regarding you, politics, religion, Will Ferrell, Netflix, our schools, etc.)? How much time do you spend caring about your future health, finances, happi…

Why do people talk about their diet and exercise program?

Why do people on a new diet and/or exercise program insist on telling me every little detail about what, when, and how much they eat and exercise...and then keep on telling me over and over and over? 

What are these folks hoping to gain from sharing this with me? Do they want my approval and praise? Do they want me to be jealous? Do they think I need to diet and exercise too? Hey man, muffin tops are adorable...deal with it. 

I never know what to say when people talk about their new diets. First off, it's a really boring subject. I would rather talk about Trump's upsides, or homemade clay. Secondly, it makes me feel guilty when I remember that pound of peanut m&m's I scarfed down for lunch an hour ago. Third, if someone is still out of shape, why should I take advice from that person? When she/he gets that six pack and keeps it for a few years, then maybe, maybe, I will be at least a tad more interested in hearing how many grams of protein they ate for breakfast this mor…

Is the Internet good or bad?

That's the question of the 21st century (and if not, it should be people).

Imagine you are a bagillion or whatever years in the future, looking back at the birth and growth of the Internet.

Do you suppose that society will conclude that the Internet was a wonderful technological breakthrough that changed everything for the better?

Or will it be like in the Terminator movie, where we all look back with painful regret wishing we'd never invented the Internet because of all the horrible things it eventually led to?

Or will the outcome be neither and both of the aforementioned possibilities?


Now that I've peaked your interest, the purpose of this post is to get you all thinking about this subject. To address all the the different sides to this question, I will be rolling out a new series of blogs with the surtitle: Is the Internet good or bad?  

In the meantime, your job, my prolific readership, is to start pondering and maybe even researching this topic so you will come well prepar…

Never meet your heroes: The day I chose NOT to meet Henry Winkler

Never meet your heroes---unless you enjoy disappointment.

Growing up I was obsessed with the TV show Happy Days. Each Thursday at 6:55 PM I would unapologetically drop whatever I was doing and dash home to “rock around the clock” with the gang.

At that time in Utah the coolest thing in the neighborhood was my black cat named Panther. So imagine how unique, awe-inspiring and mesmerizing Fonzie was. He was a revelation. The way I felt when watching him was like the first time I ever experienced the unexpected joy of heated car seats.

He was the first to introduce me and the neighbor kids to the word and concept  of "cool." Forty some-odd years later, I'm still using the word "cool" probably 20 times a day on average. Fonzee's hair defied gravity. His leather jacket and intolerance for authority pricked my subconscious admiration for the "bad boy." We all wanted to be Fonzie. Well, most of my female friends didn't want to be Fonzie, they wanted to d…

Funny TV Shows You Need to Watch (unless you are kinda dumb)

With the recent Olympics-inspired two week hiatus of new current television programming, I delved into a lot of new and old shows to scratch my itch for weird, creative comedy. Here's my list of awesome shows you need to watch. Seriously, stop watching those soul-sucking crime dramas and set aside some time to watch genius writing and acting while laughing your guts out.

Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (Amazon Prime)

More of a dramedy than a comedy, which I usually hate, but this show works. Set in the late 1950s about a brilliant wealthy housewife trying to be successful doing racy stand-up comedy. Great actors, creative subject, hilarious and poignant. I stayed up until 3 in the morning to finish season 1. 
Curb you Enthusiasm (Amazon Prime)

After reading about what a horrible person Larry David was to work for as a writer for Seinfeld, I didn't want to applaud anything with his name on it. But as an opportunist american, eager to sell out my values for laughs, I opened my mind and watche…

How to be happier. Spoiler: stop focusing on the wrong things

I was driving around the snowy roads of BFE, stressing about all the ways I have failed in the past, the ways I am currently failing, and the ways I will potentially fail in the future. Then I was stopped physically and mentally thanks to an unusually long red light. 


I spontaneously realized that I had been spending the majority of my waking hours stressing about the wrong thing. Instead of expending mental anguish over the fear of failling, a more fulfilling and productive use of my mental anguish should be spent worrying about NOT succeeding. After all, as all those commercials keep reminding us, life is really short, YOLO and all that crap.

Statistically, I don't have that many productive years left. Before I know it, I will be riddled with cancer, Alzheimer's, or terminal I-don't-give-a-crap syndrome, and be (as Axel Rose so elegantly put it) knock knock knocking on heavens door.

When I worry about failing, to "stay safe" I tend to abort any attempt to do somet…