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Showing posts from 2015

Maximum Strength? Why Not? Why So Many Questions?

I'm getting old and have realized that life is short and I've got to get all the stuf I can while I can.

Once upon I time, I said: "Double Stuf? It's too much! I would never buy those!"
And today, I say: "Double Stuf? Hells yah! Can you make them triple stuf?"

We have a finite number of days on this earth. Why waste them purchasing anything less than the maximum version of anything? Why buy regular strength when you can by extra strength? Why settle for "with marshmallows" when you can buy "with EXTREME marshmallows?" Why settle for pads when you could buy Maxi Pads!? If you're not sick and guilty after eating a package of double-stuffed Oreos, then what's the point?

Do you want your headache kind of cured---or do you want it cured to the utmost possible level modern medicine has to offer? Who wants to stay in a little bit of pain if you don't have to? When you're paying for something, you should get the maximum amou…

Preparing to Go to the Past

What would you do if you found out tomorrow that in one month you would be transported back in time 200 years and would never return to the present?
Here are the top five things I would do to prepare:

1. Get laser eye surgery

If I'm the one person in the village who can see past the shed, I will be revered!Glasses + woman = burned at stake
2. Get a hysterectomy

No way am I going to use leaves or bark or whatever kind of torturous devices women used for their feminine needs back then.
3. Learn how to make graham crackers

 I "invent" graham crackers before Sylvester Graham ever has the thought. In your face Sylvester! This will make me rich and famous---or get me burned at the stake. Plus we won't have to call them graham crackers anymore -- because that is lame. I'll invent some super awesome name like "S'more Enhancer Crackers".4. Invent S'mores





Now that I think of it, the only way I won't be burned at the stake is if I went back in time as a man…