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Distracting News Sites Should Be Less Distracting, Unless I Want to be Distracted

Apparently there is stuff that happens in the world and people enjoy talking about it. And if you don't know things about that stuff then you will be excluded from the conversation and people will think you're dumb. I want to know stuff about things, but every time I go to a news website like CNN or The Huffington Post there are so many bright and shiny things to read, I get distracted and end up only reading articles about celebrity butts or the death of the ombre color scheme.

How am I expected to read about the latest world class terrorist group when there is an adjacent piece on David Beckham's butt? I will always choose to read about butts over current events. I'm only human.

While I enjoy butt commentary, and wouldn't want to live in an Internet without it, I feel like I should know a few things that are going on in the world so Mrs. Henderson next door won't think I'm an idiot. Since I'm never going to change, I propose that the news people change their websites to allow people to select what level of distraction they want.

News Site Distraction Level Selection List Example:
  • Level 1: Just the news facts. In black and white. No pictures, no video, no fancy fonts, "Times New Roman" for articles, "Arial" for titles.
  • Level 2: News facts, colored pictures, no video, maybe one of two fluff pieces on local disasters---like newspapers were in the 90s.
  • Level 3: News "facts," mixed with celebrity gossip, mixed with funny cat videos. (what all the sites are now)
  • Level 4: No news,  just pictures and videos of celebrity butts and unicorns farting rainbows. All text in "Girlz Are Weird" font.

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