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Showing posts from September, 2014

Distracting News Sites Should Be Less Distracting, Unless I Want to be Distracted

Apparently there is stuff that happens in the world and people enjoy talking about it. And if you don't know things about that stuff then you will be excluded from the conversation and people will think you're dumb. I want to know stuff about things, but every time I go to a news website like CNN or The Huffington Post there are so many bright and shiny things to read, I get distracted and end up only reading articles about celebrity butts or the death of the ombre color scheme.

How am I expected to read about the latest world class terrorist group when there is an adjacent piece on David Beckham's butt? I will always choose to read about butts over current events. I'm only human.

While I enjoy butt commentary, and wouldn't want to live in an Internet without it, I feel like I should know a few things that are going on in the world so Mrs. Henderson next door won't think I'm an idiot. Since I'm never going to change, I propose that the news people cha…

Ombré Everything

Like an ignorant fool, I thought Ombré was the same as Hombre, and meant a "tough mother-clucker" in some other language, probably Spanish.

But no, it doesn't mean that. It's a color scheme, where a color fades gradually from one tone to another. Turns out you can ombre just about anything---hair, nails, cakes, skirts, even cars.

I think it is the best color scheme people came up with since the rainbow. Too bad I didn't know about it sooner, because as the Huffington Posts tells me, it's not cool anymore. Cool or not cool, I like it so much, I'm going to go ombre the crap out of everything I own.

Crowmageddon Update -- The Government is Aware and Taking Action!

Grab your kids and head for the hills, or the cellar, or wherever crows don't like, because (and I hate to brag) but I was right---it's Cromageddon!

According to the state DWR game bird coordinator: "...crows are damaging fruit, corn and grain crops...Crows also raid nests and steal eggs from other birds. And crows carry avian cholera and other diseases that affect birds. And they damage trees and cause lots of other disturbances in urban areas... So... (and I'm paraphrasing here) git your guns---we gonna have oursefs a gol durn crow hunt this year! Yee haw!"

So instead of starting with government-subsidized scarecrows that look like Joe Biden, we're going straight to murder. Viva America!

A few members of PETA were upset and proposed that to make it fair, we also arm the crows. But a spokesperson from Browning said making tiny guns just for crows wouldn't be cost effective, seeing as crows don't have any money to pay for them. 

Let's just h…