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3 Reasons Why Americans Are Interested In the World Cup this Year

I used to think my son's former football coach spoke for all Americans when he said little gems like:
  • "Soccer is just the sport kids play until they figure out which sport they really want to play." 
  • "Even the worst day at football beats the best day at soccer."
So imagine my surprise when I overheard people in the break room having true-sport fan-like discussions about the World Cup. At first I thought they were being sarcastic, but no---it was real enthusiasm:
"Hey Dave, did you see the score of last night's match---1 to 0---man that was an exciting game!"
"Yeah Kevin, that was some crazy fun! They were kicking the ball and then kicking it some more! I kept thinking that they would keep kicking it and guess what, they did! What did you think Brian?"
"Not now guys, I'm watching  Portugal stomp Spain on my super cool iPhone! Blah, blah, blah---FIFA!"
That was the first conversation I witnessed of many. I can't accept that America is this into soccer because of the game. After days of pondering, I've decided that the following must explain this year's excitement:

Of all the professional sports, I have to say that soccer players have the best physiques. They are lean and cut evenly and proportionally. You don't see players with giant freakish necks and tiny calves like in football, or seven-foot awkward freaks like in basketball.
Cristiano Ronaldo, Portugal
Every soccer player looks like this guy
No, this does not go with #1---trust me, he's his own reason.
Do we really need a reason to watch soccer other than this?
It's a left-wing conspiracy. I'm not sure why they are conspiring to get America to watch soccer, but I'm sure it won't be good.
Dang you Obama!

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