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Showing posts from 2014

Distracting News Sites Should Be Less Distracting, Unless I Want to be Distracted

Apparently there is stuff that happens in the world and people enjoy talking about it. And if you don't know things about that stuff then you will be excluded from the conversation and people will think you're dumb. I want to know stuff about things, but every time I go to a news website like CNN or The Huffington Post there are so many bright and shiny things to read, I get distracted and end up only reading articles about celebrity butts or the death of the ombre color scheme.

How am I expected to read about the latest world class terrorist group when there is an adjacent piece on David Beckham's butt? I will always choose to read about butts over current events. I'm only human.

While I enjoy butt commentary, and wouldn't want to live in an Internet without it, I feel like I should know a few things that are going on in the world so Mrs. Henderson next door won't think I'm an idiot. Since I'm never going to change, I propose that the news people cha…

Ombré Everything

Like an ignorant fool, I thought Ombré was the same as Hombre, and meant a "tough mother-clucker" in some other language, probably Spanish.

But no, it doesn't mean that. It's a color scheme, where a color fades gradually from one tone to another. Turns out you can ombre just about anything---hair, nails, cakes, skirts, even cars.

I think it is the best color scheme people came up with since the rainbow. Too bad I didn't know about it sooner, because as the Huffington Posts tells me, it's not cool anymore. Cool or not cool, I like it so much, I'm going to go ombre the crap out of everything I own.

Crowmageddon Update -- The Government is Aware and Taking Action!

Grab your kids and head for the hills, or the cellar, or wherever crows don't like, because (and I hate to brag) but I was right---it's Cromageddon!

According to the state DWR game bird coordinator: "...crows are damaging fruit, corn and grain crops...Crows also raid nests and steal eggs from other birds. And crows carry avian cholera and other diseases that affect birds. And they damage trees and cause lots of other disturbances in urban areas... So... (and I'm paraphrasing here) git your guns---we gonna have oursefs a gol durn crow hunt this year! Yee haw!"

So instead of starting with government-subsidized scarecrows that look like Joe Biden, we're going straight to murder. Viva America!

A few members of PETA were upset and proposed that to make it fair, we also arm the crows. But a spokesperson from Browning said making tiny guns just for crows wouldn't be cost effective, seeing as crows don't have any money to pay for them. 

Let's just h…

Coprophobia (Poop Phobia)

Coprophobia is defined as "Anabnormalabhorrenceofdefecationandfeces." I'm no doctor, but isn't it surprising that we all don't have this? After all, it's poop people. We evolved to hate poop. If our ancestors didn't fear feces (note to self, add 'Fear Feces' to possible band name list), and instead decided to eat it, or smear it all over their legs, then there's a good chance the human race wouldn't have made it this far because poop is 40% nasty, infectious bacteria, and a 100% the single most disgusting thing on earth. What if one day you were cleaning up some dog poo and it accidentally got in your mouth---and what if that dog poo was all white---like it used to turn in 1970s*---everyone knows that the white ones were the worse. Can you imagine anything more horrifying? 

Sadly, the majority of people have never even heard of Coprophobia.  If only there was a way to get the message out to the masses so we can start raising money to fi…

Hooray For People---Part 4: Snow Cone Drip Tray Inventor

Top seven worst things about snow cones: Running out of juice before running out of ice. The clownish after-cone lip stain. Proprietors calling them 'Shaved ice' or 'Hawaiian Snow.' It's still a damn snow cone.Only allowing customers to choose up to three flavors.Cherry flavor tastes like cough medicine.Aggressive straw-poking tearing the bottom of the Styrofoam cup.The inevitable sticky spillage.
While many of these problems have yet to be solved, I'm thrilled to say that #7 is no longer an issue--- thanks to---you guessed it---people!
As snow cones became super-sized, the risk of spillage also became super sized. As the American penchant for largesse outpaced American snow cone problem solving ingenuity, a dark period descended upon the snow cones----the risk of spillage was so great that parents actually forbade their children from eating them in the car! Fortunately, some hero, for whom sadly, nobody has ever sung, invented the snow cone satellite dish a.k.a.…

Chik-Fil-A's New Grilled Chicken Dissapoints Long Time Fan

Dear Chik-Fil-A,

I realize that you spent $50 million dollars and seven years to formulate your new grilled chicken recipe, but I'm wondering if you could please change it back to the original recipe?

While the new more-distinct grill marks are visually appealing, your new herb-cluttered marinade masks the succulent natural chicken flavor.  I used to order the grilled chicken sandwich once a week, now I can't even look at a picture of that sandwich.

While I'm all for change when it brings about better things, I'm against it if it makes things worse.  Not to worry though, I have a solution for this chicken debacle---or chickbacle---as my Grandmother used to say. Using my proprietary, unique two step process, you can revert to the original recipe and actually make more money than you would have had you never started on this chickbacle.

Step 1: Come out with a "new" recipe that isn't as good as the original recipe. People will buy it because it's new. (Y…

3 Reasons Why Americans Are Interested In the World Cup this Year

I used to think my son's former football coach spoke for all Americans when he said little gems like: "Soccer is just the sport kids play until they figure out which sport they really want to play."  --Or-- "Even the worst day at football beats the best day at soccer." So imagine my surprise when I overheard people in the break room having true-sport fan-like discussions about the World Cup. At first I thought they were being sarcastic, but no---it was real enthusiasm: "Hey Dave, did you see the score of last night's match---1 to 0---man that was an exciting game!" "Yeah Kevin, that was some crazy fun! They were kicking the ball and then kicking it some more! I kept thinking that they would keep kicking it and guess what, they did! What did you think Brian?" "Not now guys, I'm watching  Portugal stomp Spain on my super cool iPhone! Blah, blah, blah---FIFA!" That was the first conversation I witnessed of many. I can't a…

How Doctors Could Make Pelvic Exams Less Horrifying

First off, a mild warning, if you've never had one and never plan on having a pelvic exam, you may want to stop reading. If you've never had one, but plan on having one then you also might want to stop reading because **spoiler alert!**

Maybe it's just me, but these exams are pretty much the worse thing imaginable. If Dante was a woman, there would be a tenth circle of hell and it would be a never ending pelvic exam.

Allow me to illustrate my point.

Here's how these exams should be:
Here's how they actually are:

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have a simple idea for Gynecologists everywhere to help the experience be more Figure 1 and less Figure 2---Swap out the harsh florescent light on the ceiling for something soothing. Such as,
A 'Hang I…

My Top 20 Possible Band Names

Here is the list of names I'm considering for my future band:

Hotep Nefti
Bacon Underware
The Onederful
Underwater Rebellion
The Fiasco
Fried Twinkie
Food Baby
Anorexic Indulenge
Freezer Burn
Streaming Audio
Three-Foot Rule
Uncomfortable Silence
7minute Frosting
Glitter Gymnastics
One Weird Toe
Flappy Weanus

What's the Deal with all the Crows?

I used to think crows were anti-social loners like mountain lions and the Una-bomber, but lately, I've noticed huge black flocks circling the sky and covering the fields. When I see a single crow, all by her lonesome, I say hey Mrs. Crow, good to see ya. But when I see a whole bunch of crows all together I shout, Crowmageddon! Or sometimes Crowpocalypse! Hundreds of crows gathering can only mean one thing---they are plotting our demise. In the beginning, it will start with small annoyances like intermittent loud squawking while we try to talk on our cell phones.  But soon will escalate into them devouring and ruining our lives by eating all the fourth of July corn on the cob and causing heaps of bad luck.

We need to get rid of these varmints before it's too late. I went to Walmart and asked the greeter if they carried crow repellent---he said they didn't so I left. Actually, now I think of it, I may have accidentally asked for crow retardant. I'll have to go back and …

Corn Dogs --- Why Did We Stop There?

After the world first discovered chocolate did it say, "Well, this bitter drink is as good as it gets...let's never try anything else with these beans", no....the world has more ways to use chocolate than a fat guy has places to store Twinkies. So why did people stop corning things after they corned the hot dog over 75 years ago?

Why would you not want to take a coating that is all things delicious: salty and sweet, crispy and soft, greasy and corny--- and yes, even crunchy---who doesn't love to nibble on that little brown fried drip of batter at the bottom (I wonder if that has a name. If not, I'd like to propose the word 'crubbin', which means crusty nubbin) and apply it to anything and everything?

C'mon world, or at least America, how about making a corn carrot or a corn sandwich? No wait, a sweet cob of corn wrapped in warm delicious corn coating----a corn corn if you will. Ah, the possibilities.

Why I Like Easter

It's the candy. I like it for the candy. Easter candy is better than other candy. It's better than grandma candy, it's better than piñata candy--- it's even better than Christmas candy.

And yes, even though the candy makers have taken the Easter candy that used to only be for Easter---like peanut butter eggs, peeps, and jelly beans---and morphed all of it into freaky doppelgängers for all the other holidays and non-Easter occasions ( think peanut butter Christmas trees, Halloween bat peeps, and Jelly Belly's)--- the Easter candy is still far superior. It looks better, it tastes better. It's why Easter was invented.

Let me remind you how Easter came to be. Way back when, before clocks and the Internet, there lived an evil rabbit. All winter long he stole, or some would say borrowed, eggs from the local chickens and ducks. By Spring, he had a vast arsenal of putrid, rotten eggs. On a random Sunday the townsfolk would awake to find their town covered in rotten eg…