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Showing posts from 2013

Why Is It Cool To Go Off Sugar?

I was at juggling class the other day, and one of my fellow students announced that she'd been "off sugar" for three months straight. Another student responded and bragged that one time (not now) that she'd been off it for a year. I felt left out and really wanted them to like me so quickly said that I'd been off meth for almost two weeks! I think there's been some major misunderstandings. Sugar is not a villain. Sugar is our friend. 
I can vindicate sugar in three simple, yet poignant, arguments: 1. If sugar is so bad, then why do we use it as a term of endearment? The nice cashier at World Taco never says to me: "Thanks lean protein", or "What's up rutabaga?" She says: "Hey sugar" or "What's up sweetie?" 2. When people want to make an offer better, they say they want to "sweeten the deal" not "I want to add low-glycemic index carbohydrates to the deal."  3. And my final argument, if it'…

Rattlesnakes That Don't Rattle: Maybe We Should Stop Trying To Fix Stuff

As people, in particular as Americans, we want to continually change things for the better. I blame advertisers. We were happy until commercials and ads told us we weren't. Now we're constantly looking at "problems" and trying to fix them. This in itself has become a problem and we should fix it (wait. what?).

The problem with fixing things is it inevitably breaks other, seemingly unrelated things in wildly unexpected and often dangerous ways.

We can all agree that rattlesnakes are evil, horrible creatures. Based on this rattlesnake "problem," whenever people hear the blood-curdling sound of a rattler, they grab their shovels and their pistols and eliminate the problem. Sounds like a great fix right? Wrong. Eliminating this problem has created an even scarier, more dangerous problem.There are a few rattlesnakes out there with under-developed tail muscles, which prevents them from shaking their rattles. Since these "special" rattlesnakes don'…

One Way Trip to Mars?

The Mars One Non-Profit Organization is putting together a mission to establish a permanent human settlement on Mars by 2023. See the details at www.mars-one.com. They're currently taking applications. Would you do it?

I called a family meeting yesterday to see if there was any interest in being the first family to inhabit Mars. To my surprise, the kids had zero interest. So I proposed that just us parents go after the kids get older. They freaked out at that idea. Then I suggested just I go. And without a moment hesitation, my oldest said, oh, okay, sure, sounds good. Guess I know who the favorite is.

So I got to thinking about going it alone...

If you take a rocket to Mars, and then you decide you miss your dog, or want a Slurpee, or just plain hate it and want to go back to Earth, my friend, you're out of luck---because there is no going back. It's a one way trip. And then like so many new frontier exploration adventures go, if you run out of food, you're going to get…

How Wolverine 2 Could Have Been Better

Hugh Jackman deserved to be in a better version of a Wolverine sequel than "The Wolverine." For Mr. Jackman's sake, I propose a re-make with the following change. (Spoiler Alert - don't read if you haven't seen the movie yet)

The current movie takes itself way too seriously. IMHO, anytime you tell a story about a mutant immortal with retractable metal claws who calls himself "Wolverine" it must be done a little-bit tongue in cheek---or it just seems ridiculous. That's why the Wolverine character worked so well when we met him in the first X-Men movie. He wasn't just scary, brooding and sexy, he was funny too! Wolverine needs to lighten up a bit---it's like watching The Hulk---if The Hulk never morphed back into Bruce Banner---it gets boring after awhile.  Here's some examples of possible scenes they could add to the re-make:
At the beginning instead of having Wolverine off in the woods with nobody but a bear, have him trying (unsuccessfu…

Jet-Puffed StackerMallows---They're New!

While I enjoy the taste of a s'more, I generally avoid them because they're just too darn filling. A single s'more leaves me queasy and full of regret or as I like to say "requeasy." Plus, they're usually eaten after a heavy meal of bbq, chips and whip cream "salads." Enter the new StackerMallows. They take away the oh-my-gosh-I'm-so-full-I'm-going-to-barf sensation of a s'more. And overall, as I explain below, that's a good thing.

They're made especially for s'mores. They're rectangular and only a quarter inch thick. The more I think about this I can't help but wonder why Kraft didn't invent these years ago. (Note to self: look into possible marshmallow conspiracy theories.)



PROS:
Fit perfectly in a s'more.Roast faster - only need one turn over the fire.Roast evenly - no raw centersProduce ideal s'more marshmallow-to-chocolate-to-graham cracker ratioSeem smaller so you enjoy eating more*Makes me like s'…

World's Most Underutilized Technology: Self-Cleaning

Why aren't more things self-cleaning? If you came to my door to sell something (ignoring my "No Soliciting" window-cling) and the first words out of your mouth were: It's self-cleaning---  instead of: read the sign bozo --- The first words out of my mouth would be: I'm listening...

Imagine self-cleaning clothes, self-cleaning carpets, self-cleaning dishes, self-cleaning cars, self-cleaning hot-dog roasting sticks. This is life-changing stuff people.

Scientists are spending all their time making things stronger, lighter, and less cancery, when they should be spending that time making things self-cleaning! I'm not saying everything has to clean itself, but at least put some effort into it. The only self-cleaning thing I know of (besides cats) is ovens--and oven self-cleaning technology could definitely use some improvement. I still don't get how heating the crap out of something cleans it, but oh well, I'm not a scientist---at least the oven scientist…

Socks In Bed = Lame

It's cold. It's so, so cold. My biggest death-fear is slowly freezing to death. Well, maybe it's tied with being disemboweled. Either way, being cold stinks. And when I complain about being cold to whomever I'm living with at the moment, the answer is always the same, "well then put on some socks!"

Stop saying that!  I've worked hard to get where I am. I'm not about to walk around in my own house in stocking feet. If I start doing that, the next thing you know I'll be ordering the Big Mac Value meal from the McDonald's in Walmart. In Walmart!!! Seriously people. I still have some dignity.

So please, the next time I complain about being cold, don't freaking tell me to put on socks. I'll consider anything but that. For example, you could say:  "move somewhere warm" or "let me buy you another space heater" or "here, stick your feet in my arm pit." Thanks for listening.