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Showing posts from August, 2012

My New Secret Weapon -- Sorry Guys, This One's Just for Women

Typically, I'm an average performer, with occasional bouts of  under and over performing. But during this past week I've been performing highly---pretty much in everything. Several people have even commented that my overall performance has increased noticeably. In fact the other day, a friend commented that I was probably the highest performer he'd ever seen. At first I thought it had something to do with the phases of the moon, or maybe all the diet cola I'd been drinking, or that maybe I'd finally peaked. But yesterday I realized it was none of those things.
It was these tampons:



At last, high performance tampons! Now ladies, for one week out of every month you too can be a high performer just like me. Thanks Tampax!

Lawn Weed Conspiracy Theory

I'm 91.5% certain that somebody is sabotaging our lawn. May I present to you Exhibit A:


This is a random spot in our front lawn. The entire lawn looks the same. It's basically a weed carpet. I know what you're thinking---Here's You: "sheesh Jill, you should take care of your blah, blah, blah, devaluing the neighborhood, blah blah, city ordinances, blahdy blah blah, lazy, blah, weed killer, blahdy blah." 
Well save it mister. We ARE doing all that, mostly. Every year it's the same thing. We go to Walmart and buy all the bags of fertilizer Scott's tell us to, plus weed killer, plus bug killer, plus mold killer, plus wasp killer and we spread them all over the lawn on a mostly regular basis, following the instructions mostly to the letter. Things start to look pretty good, and then one day we look outside, and bam, weeds galore.

Our next door neighbor's lawn doesn't have any weeds. See her lawn in Exhibit B below:
How could two lawns, both made …

Gymnast Glitter Q&A

The USA 2012 Olympic women's gymnastic team are happy as clams after winning the team gold. Gabby Douglas credits their use of excessive glitter as the key factor in their victory.

I recently sat down with Olympic Gold medal winner Gabby Douglas to discuss the 2012 Olympic Gymnasts excessive use of glitter, or EUG for short.

Q: How do you know when you have enough glitter in your hair?
A: When the glitter bottle is empty.

Q: Do you ever feel guilty about all the glitterbugs that are killed each year to make glitter?
A: I don't think that's where glitter comes from.

Q: What do you say to the accusations that gymnasts use performance-enhancing hair glitter
A: They can't prove it. Plus it's not against the rules.

Q: Who cleans up all the glitter left on the gym floor at the end of the night?
A: All the girls who didn't win medals.

Q: Why don't male gymnasts use hair glitter?
A: They do. It's camo-colored so you can't see it.

Q: Why do the male gymnasts shave…