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Showing posts from 2012

Hooray for People -- Part 3: Wireless Mouse Genius

Don't get me wrong, the wireless mouse itself is pretty great, but the best, most ingenious idea, proposed by some person, was where to store the little part that plugs into the computer. Speaking of that little part, Lenny keeps telling me it's called a dongle. Every time I hear "Dongle" I think "donkey penis".  It makes me laugh, but not in a good way. I'm not really a fan of the word so I'll just call it the little plug.

If I'd invented the wireless mouse, here's where I would have put the little plug:

I'm all about putting the onus of keeping track of the little plug on the consumer. But like I've said, I'm no genius. I can't even spell genius without spell check.

Some genius came up with the idea of storing the little plug inside the mouse. Yes, inside the mouse!!! I never would have thought of that!

Whenever I open the mouse and see the little plug, I feel happy. I feel proud that I'm a person, and not some othe…

Cake? Nope, Pie

An internal debate has been raging in my mind and taste buds for years. The topic: what's better, cake or pie?

For a long time, I thought it was cake. With it's picture-perfect moist interior, slathered with thick, creamy, rich frosting. Elegantly decorated to perfection with icing-flowers and chocolate ganache---slices like a dream into uniform, even, predictable pieces. How could the choice not be cake?

Now contrast the pie---the humble pie if you will. Short and squaty, battered edges, mottled brown, homemade looking. Impossible to achieve perfection. Slice a pie open and you get oozing, crumbling chaos. Fruit streaming out the sides, jumbled this way and that. Flaky shards of crust piercing in random chunks. Pie is unpredictable. Pie is messy. Pie is like a crazy, hair-brained experiment with its contrasting flavors and textures -- flaky, firm, sweet/salty crust combined with soft, gooey, warm filling---then topped off with cold, creamy ice cream. It seems impossible that…

The Geiko Gecko

I can't stop thinking about the Geiko Gecko. I think he's hilarious and wise and cute. I wish we were friends.  He could ride on my shoulder and give me advice in his adorable cockney accent.

Since he's such a convenient size, if he got tired or cold or scared, I'd let him snuggle up in my pocket, or my purse. Reni said he thought Martin would find that demeaning, but I don't think so. 

We would be so good together. I could keep his tiny coffee cup full, give him career advice (maybe even write a few screenplays just for him), and keep him safe from birds. And he could be my constant companion, amusing me with his weird British humor, and staring at me with those big black glossy eyes.

Maybe one day we'll meet on an airplane, or sunbathing on a warm rock, and hit things off and become best friends. Then we could star in a reality show about our friendship and make millions of dollars. But for now, I'll have to be content imagining he's with me, whispe…

Hooray for People -- Part 2: Freestyle Fountain

What's better than one innovative engineering genius working on an idea to revolutionize tasty beverages? That's right, two innovative engineering geniuses! I would like to publicly thank Nilag Patel and Dean Kamen for inventing the Coke Freestyle Fountain --- a product that fundamentally changes the way carbonated beverages are dispensed.

Before the Freestyle, I seldom went to movies in a theater, preferring to pay Redbox a buck to sit on my old couch with a Diet Pepsi and watch a DVD. But then a new theater was built, perhaps for the sole reason of housing the Freestyle. Now, my entire family has invested in movie-theater-specific 32 oz mugs to take to our frequent movie theater outings. For a mere one dollar we can each take our turn at the Freestyle machine, a beautiful, shiny kiosk-like machine with a computer touch-screen interface that invites you to select from over a 100 beverage options. I can select Coke Zero, and then choose to add any type of flavoring: vanilla, …

Corn on The Cob---Until We Meet Again

Dear Corn on The Cob,
Must you leave so soon? We've had so little time together this season. We barely had a chance to get reacquainted.  It seems like yesterday, when I first saw you nestled in a box in a road-side stand, your messy golden hair shining in the sun, inviting me to take you home. I already miss your sweet, crisp kernels. I wish we could have a few more weeks together. I admit, I took you for granted this summer...postponing our encounters, thinking you'd always be around. I went to the road-side stand today, to see if maybe you would make one more visit. The farmer laughed at me and said, "It's October lady, corn is long gone, here buy some peaches instead." I don't want peaches. I want you...warm and slathered in butter and salt. Alas, I will have to wait another year. Next year, I promise to spend more time with you. Until then, farewell!

Hooray For People -- Part 1: New Halloween Colors

I am beginning a multi-part blog series today called "Hooray For People." It celebrates people and the amazing things that people do. Look around you at all the incredible things you have in your house, who's to thank? It's people. So to start off, I'd like to tip my hat to the genius who came up with the idea to add purple and lime green to the traditional Halloween colors.


See the difference?  You probably never gave it much thought, but some person, some creative, risk-taking, under-appreciated person with incredible vision and determination thought of this. Not only thought of it, but convinced all the nay-sayers to challenge tradition, question authority, and think outside the black and orange box, so to speak. This genius, whomever he/she may be never quit, never gave up, until the CEO of M&M's finally said, yes, yes, add the new colors! So Hooray to the person who made Halloween that much better! 

Best Chocolate Chip Cookies Ever!

Here is my new favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe:

1 cup melted, browned butter
1 cup brown sugar
3/4 cup granulated sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla (optional)
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp baking soda
2 1/2 - 3 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 475 degrees
Add butter to sugar and stir. Allow to cool---ideally, put in refrigerator for an hour or so
Mix melted butter and sugar until light and fluffy
Add eggs and mix well
Add vanilla if using
In a separate bowl mix the remaining dry ingredients together
Add dry ingredients to wet and mix just until combined
Mix in chocolate chips
Portion dough onto cookie sheet lined with parchment paper
Put the cookies in the oven and then turn the temperature down to 375 degrees
Bake until golden brown on the top, and you see cracks, about 7 - 14 min depending on how big you make the cookies

My New Secret Weapon -- Sorry Guys, This One's Just for Women

Typically, I'm an average performer, with occasional bouts of  under and over performing. But during this past week I've been performing highly---pretty much in everything. Several people have even commented that my overall performance has increased noticeably. In fact the other day, a friend commented that I was probably the highest performer he'd ever seen. At first I thought it had something to do with the phases of the moon, or maybe all the diet cola I'd been drinking, or that maybe I'd finally peaked. But yesterday I realized it was none of those things.
It was these tampons:

At last, high performance tampons! Now ladies, for one week out of every month you too can be a high performer just like me. Thanks Tampax!

Lawn Weed Conspiracy Theory

I'm 91.5% certain that somebody is sabotaging our lawn. May I present to you Exhibit A:

This is a random spot in our front lawn. The entire lawn looks the same. It's basically a weed carpet. I know what you're thinking---Here's You: "sheesh Jill, you should take care of your blah, blah, blah, devaluing the neighborhood, blah blah, city ordinances, blahdy blah blah, lazy, blah, weed killer, blahdy blah." 
Well save it mister. We ARE doing all that, mostly. Every year it's the same thing. We go to Walmart and buy all the bags of fertilizer Scott's tell us to, plus weed killer, plus bug killer, plus mold killer, plus wasp killer and we spread them all over the lawn on a mostly regular basis, following the instructions mostly to the letter. Things start to look pretty good, and then one day we look outside, and bam, weeds galore.

Our next door neighbor's lawn doesn't have any weeds. See her lawn in Exhibit B below:
How could two lawns, both made …

Gymnast Glitter Q&A

The USA 2012 Olympic women's gymnastic team are happy as clams after winning the team gold. Gabby Douglas credits their use of excessive glitter as the key factor in their victory.

I recently sat down with Olympic Gold medal winner Gabby Douglas to discuss the 2012 Olympic Gymnasts excessive use of glitter, or EUG for short.

Q: How do you know when you have enough glitter in your hair?
A: When the glitter bottle is empty.

Q: Do you ever feel guilty about all the glitterbugs that are killed each year to make glitter?
A: I don't think that's where glitter comes from.

Q: What do you say to the accusations that gymnasts use performance-enhancing hair glitter
A: They can't prove it. Plus it's not against the rules.

Q: Who cleans up all the glitter left on the gym floor at the end of the night?
A: All the girls who didn't win medals.

Q: Why don't male gymnasts use hair glitter?
A: They do. It's camo-colored so you can't see it.

Q: Why do the male gymnasts shave…

If There's No Funkiller, Nature Will Provide One

My husband, or as we like to call him, Mr. Safety Daddy Funkiller, or for short, Funkiller, is our family's self-designated safety police. Whenever there's even the remote possibility of falling, choking or getting cut---he's there. For example, if you're jumping on the couch while chewing gum and he catches you, in his mind, you may as well be wielding a giant running chainsaw with flames shooting out the back. Mr. Safety Daddy Funkiller goes immediately into action and kills the fun in the name of safety.

This weekend, Our dear, sweet Funkiller was out of town. My 9 year old asked me if I didn't like it when Daddy was gone. I told him I didn't mind because then we could have as much fun as we wanted! Then he said something like, "oh yeah, like starting fires...let's start a fire." Alarms went off in my head. So I said, "Seriously? Let's not be stupid. We can have lots of fun, but let's not be stupid."  Next thing you know, I w…

Hulu Plus Review -- Is it Worth It?

No. No it's not worth it.

Yes, it's only $7.99 a month, but compared to Netflix, so not worth it. It's probably worth $1.99 per month. If it was $1.99 I would most likely keep Hulu Plus. But at $7.99 I've decided to drop it. Here's why:

Commercials: Yes, there are commercials throughout each program. Not a lot, but enough to irritate. Plus it's the same 5 commercials over and over and over. That makes it less bearable then standard TV commercials.

Movies: There isn't a single movie listed that we wanted to watch. Not even Miss Congeniality (the only movie I ever watched on Amazon Prime) The majority of the movie offerings are ones I've never heard of with Japanese people on the cover. I'm guessing Hulu made some type of a deal with Japan to get lots of content real cheap. Not worth it Hulu.

TV: Again, not a lot to offer. There are shows on regular Hulu that aren't even on Hulu Plus---like 30 Rock and The Simpsons -- if I'm paying for it, shoul…

The Most Ridiculous Argument of All Time

I've heard a lot of ridiculous arguments. I've been involved in a lot of those ridiculous arguments. Okay, I've started my share of ridiculous arguments. But I think I just witnessed the most ridiculous argument ever.

Let me set the stage for you...

The family went out for a treat. We first ended up at Cold Stone. My 9 year old got a caramel apple, my 7 year old, an ice cream. Then we noticed the evil "Hot One" light was on at Krispy Kreme, so of course had to go there next. On the way home, the boys kept complaining that they were really full---

And thus began the most ridiculous argument of all time:

Me:  Let me see your food babies.
Them: (Both show me their food babies)
Me: What are you going to name them?
9 Yr Old:  Guster!
7 Yr. Old:  Shawn. Shawn Spencer. Mine's named Shawn Spencer.
9 Yr Old:  No Wait. Mine's called Shawn Spencer. You call yours Gus.
7 Yr Old:  (Yelling) No! I named mine Shawn Spencer first!

9 Yr Old:  (Also Yelling) My food baby's n…

I Need to Stop Using the Word Awesome

I never even said awesome in High School. I thought it was lame. So why do I keep saying it now? I say it a lot.  "You're so awesome!" "This is going to be awesome!" "That was awesome!" "Awesome!"

I need a new word that means awesome. I've tried "Fantastic" and "Fabulous", I've even used "Amazing" and "Wonderful", but none of those do---too many syllables--they don't roll off the tongue and they sound pretentious. I've tried the one syllable "Great", but after hearing Awesome so much, Great sounds, well, not so great.One syllable just doesn't convey they meaning that awesome does. I need to find a two-syllable, fun, exciting word to replace Awesome. That is my new quest.

Shower Naps---Here's to you America!

I invented the best thing ever: shower naps. Seeing as I invented on July 4th, I dedicate this new invention to the United States of America. It truly is the epitome of  what it means to be an American.

Here's the back story:

Picture if you will, the wee early morning of July 4th. It's 5:00 A.M. and I can't sleep because I'm nervously anticipating the damn Kaysville Cannon that goes off every July 4th at 6:00 AM. Few things are worse than being scared awake by the sound of a cannon. I decided that since I was already awake, I should go out and exercise. But then I figured since it was a holiday and all, I deserved a break, plus I'd be getting plenty of exercise anyway watching fireworks and eating BBQ, so I skipped the exercise. Since I didn't get any sleep, I was super tired. I really needed a nap to prepare for the parade (more on that to come). Plus I needed a shower. Why not do both? And thus was invented, the shower nap. It's the most relaxing experie…

Maybe Oprah is Wrong

I canceled my subscription to Oprah. It was starting to depress me. Every article insists that to be happy you need to quit everything you're doing and live your dream. The magazine is chock full of tales of women who quit their high paying corporate jobs to live their life dream of making goat cheese in Alaska. All of these women were wildly successful. Everyone wants to buy their dang goat cheese. Well what about the women who made their goat cheese, tried to sell it, and everyone was like, eww, goat cheese. And nobody bought their cheese, and her kids were allergic to goats, and Alaska turned out to be really cold---what about those women? If statistics are right and the majority of new businesses fail, then surely a big chunk of these dream-livin' goat-cheese makin' women failed---they lost their Alaskan farm to the bank and had to move in with their in-laws. I want to hear those stories.

I'm tired of feeling guilty for not living out a cool, life-long dream. Mayb…

I Failed Insanity

The second month of Insanity was really hard. Stuff that's really hard is well, hard, and hard things are hard for me to stick with. (I really need to stop saying hard.) So yes, I quit Insanity...for now anyway. Initially, I didn't admit I was quitting, I was just taking a short break. The short break led to a longer break. And then a really long break.I'm finally ready to admit that I quit. I quit okay, I'm a quitter.

So here's an admission to all those people I guaranteed I'd have a six pack by now---no, I don't have a six pack---there, are you happy? I'm sorry Shawn T---I let you down.You must be so disappointed. I can see you right now, shaking your big beautiful bald head at me in disgust, wearing those tight, tight shorts without a shirt. Your chiseled abs and giant shoulders glistening with sweat---wait, whoa---I've digressed---where was I--oh yeah---in conclusion me=loser---circle slash Insanity--again, for now. Shawn T---we will meet again…

Not Blogging Gives Me More Time To Waste

Here's some of the new things I discovered while not blogging:
Facebook PinterestHershey's Cinnamon ChipsArtisan Bread in 5 Minutes a DayCovered callsNew GirlHulu PlusPepsi NextAmazon PrimeKindle FireHamsters are awesomeWainscotingInsanityProfessional grade cake turntableStephanie Plum novelsProfessional lawn fertilization service is expensive