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Advice to Men: What to Say When Your Wife/Girlfriend Asks, "Do I look fat?"

First off, here's what not to say:

1.Man Says:"No! Absoutely not! You look so skinny!  
Woman Hears: You really do look fat, but I don't want you to be mad at me, so I'm lying to you.

2.Man Says:"Well...a little bit."  
Woman Hears: I don't find you attractive. You're not good enough and never will be. Oh, and you look like a whale.

3.Man Says:"You always look good to me."
Woman Hears:You look fat, but I can live with it.

4.Man Says: "It's not you, it's the outfit."
Woman Hears: Yes, you are fat, I'm just trying to say it in a nice way so you don't get mad.

5.Man Says Nothing:
Woman Hears:I don't want to tell you how fat I think you are, and I don't want to lie, so I'm not going to say anything.

Now on to what you should say, wrapped in a little antecdote:

One afternoon I was feeling fat and accidentally asked my husband this dreaded question. He sat there frozen, staring, like a scared rabbit as if he was hoping if he held still long enough I would forget he was there and I would walk away. (He'd become a big fan of phrase #5 over the past few years) While I was waiting for some kind of response from him, I thought to myself, what would a woman friend say at this moment? I imagined a particular woman-friend standing there. She wouldn't be frozen in fear. She wouldn't use any of the five forbidden responses. It would go something like this:

"Oh puleeeze!" Look at me....I'm huge!...blah, blah, blah, check this out! (grabs whatever fat she's complaining about ) I'm so fat...blah blah blah."

When she finished, I wouldn't be angry or hurt, I wouldn't assume she was lying, I would actually feel better. So right then and there I interrupted my husband's silence and told him what to say. I said, "Here's what you should say: You should start talking about how fat you think you are. And make me believe it." And so he did. It wasn't very convincing at first, I had to point out which areas he should be complaining about, but then he figured it out. 

So to all the men out there, your wife/girlfriend knows how she looks. She isn't looking for a definitive answer or a solution to a problem when she asks the dreaded question. She's looking to connect, for someone to commiserate with

P.S. If you don't have an ounce of fat on you to complain about, then just start complaining about your small penis.

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