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Showing posts from May, 2011

Chocolate Chip Cookies are NOT the Key I Repeat NOT the Key

I had another epiphany. This one was more like an anti-epiphany, in that it negated the previous epiphany.  It turns out that not only are chocolate chip cookies NOT the key, but they are the opposite of that. Instead of being the cure to all life's problems, they're actually the cause. That's right. They're evil---eeeeveeeel! They're the worst kind of evil because they make you think they're here to make everything better, when in fact, even the very best ones are only here to mess you up.

Imagine if you will the following:
Because of all their crunchy-chewy-soft-salty-sweet-chocolatey montage of deliciousness, you set out on a journey to make the perfect chocolate chip cookie. You convince yourself that when (if) the journey ends, you will come back to your loved ones with un-ending happiness and riches. So week after week you try out different recipes. And you sample one. Then another. Then sample some more. And then more, and then a bit more. But you have…

Apparently I do need a microwave.

I've been experiencing unpleasant pain at the base of my skull, down the side of my neck and shoulder for the past two days. I was pretty sure it was either a brain tumor or an aneurysm---until this morning. I had a dream last night that I was melting butter---on the stove top---and in the dream it dawned on me that the pain was a result of holding all those heavy saucepans of melted butter. If I had a microwave, I wouldn't have this pain in my neck.

So as soon as I finish my microwave buying research (in a week or two) I'll be ordering my new Mr. McWavy. In the meantime, to all those gremlins out there, I have a bazooka under my bed, so don't bother coming over.

Chocolate Chip Cookies Are the Key

I was driving on the freeway the other day thinking about chocolate chip cookies when I had a life-changing epiphany. For a brief moment of total clarity I knew that the answer to all of my problems was chocolate chip cookies. It was one of those rare spiritual moments where you look back at all the events of your life and finally see how the weird odds and ends fit together. Kind of like in that M. Knight Shamalamadingdong movie with Mel Gibson and the aliens when he realizes why his wife died and his daughter left half-full glasses of water everywhere. I forget the name.


So within all these significant moments that flashed through my mind there was one common element: chocolate chip cookies. There was the time I spoke my first word: cookie (or maybe it was "mine", but cookie was a least the second). There were all those bake-athons with my friends while I was growing up. There were all those tasty cookies that made me feel better when I was down. At almost every significa…