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Tips for a Healthy Thanksgiving Dinner

1. Make sure each bite of food is smaller than a cigarette box. When people choke on food, the offending food is typically the same size as a box of cigarettes or larger. (At least that's what someone told me once when I was stocking cigarettes at the convenience store I worked at back in the day.)
2. Don't mix your food together, like adding vegetables to your mashed potatoes, or combining the stuffing with your turkey and cranberry sauce, because ew, gross.
3. After you're finally finished gorging yourself, make sure nobody kicks you repeatedly in the stomach. Remember what happened to the fat guy in that creepy movie Seven?
4. Don't shovel any snow on Thanksgiving. Lots of folks die from heart attacks when they shovel.
5. Make sure there is enough gravy for everyone. Seriously people. One year I was in charge of the feast and ran out of gravy. It was a bloodbath.
6. Don't tell your mother/mother-in-law/grandmother/aunt that the turkey is a little dry. Even if it has the texture and moisture content of a cinder block, tell her it's the best you've ever had. It could save your life.

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