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Showing posts from July, 2010

All Swimsuits Are Not Evil (well, not totally evil)

My swimsuit-purchase saga of 2010 has come to a happy ending, which is good since summer is about over. I have a suit and I actually really like it.  (Check out the hot picture of it below on my old friend Teddy.)  I haven't had a suit I liked this much since the lavender with rainbow diagonal stripes I had when I was eleven years old.

After conducting a lengthy risk analysis on whether I should exchange the too short hot shorts for longer board shorts, I concluded that the chance of success with the short-shorts was small and the chance of failure was large, so I exchanged them. I am very happy with that decision. Thanks Hapari!

Words that would be pretty if they meant something else

Syphilis is a pretty word. Forget what it means for a moment, and say it out loud. It sounds like the name of a flower. "Oh, smell this aromatic syphilis." It would also make a beautiful name for a girl. "Get your shoes on Syphilis, it's time to go!" Plus, it's fun to say. Syphilis, syphilis, syphilis. I feel the same way about the word Chlamydia---it really is beautiful. "Wow, look at all the wondrous Chlamydia!"

It's a shame these pretty words describe things that aren't pretty. They're most likely ruined forever. Even if they change the names of those diseases to something else, there's still really no recovering for them.

It would be nice, and less confusing, if we stuck with unpleasant words to describe icky things like diseases, bodily fluids, and such. Plus, maybe people would try harder to avoid unpleasant things if they were named with disgusting words. For example, take the word mucus---I literally cringe when I hear …

Has Rollerblading become Uncool?

I was rollerblading on a busy path the other day and noticed that I was the only one rollerblading. Then it dawned on me that I haven't seen anyone else rollerblade in a really long time. And maybe it was my imagination, but I swear the people I passed were looking at me funny. They were smiling at me. Smiling in and of itself isn't a bad thing, but they were weird smiles---like the type of smile you'd give to a special needs person. Maybe the weird smile was more about my excessive flailing. I tend to flail a lot when I'm roller blading, particularly with my arms---my shoulder joints are actually still sore from all the flailing I had to do to keep from falling. Hey, come to think of it, maybe they thought I was a special needs person. But then again, maybe it's because rollerblading isn't cool anymore, or, I admit, maybe never was. I don't care what people think---okay, that's not true--I obviously do care or wouldn't be writing this. I guess I s…

My Final Swimsuit Decision Leads to Yet Another Needed Decision

Since we're heading out for a vacation at a beach near San Diego in a few weeks, I decided to go with the tankini below. Yep, that's me in the picture. (Ha, just kidding)

I ordered it online from I'm thrilled with the top. It fits great, it covers up what I want it to, and it's so cute! Here's the not so good part. I've been wearing board shorts with my swimming suits for years, actually it's been decades, to hide Lola and Lolita (my--uh hem--saddlebags--gasp--yes, I said it, I have saddlebags.) So as I was ordering the top, I had a very cute matching pair of board shorts in my cart. Then for some reason before I finalized the purchase, had an insane idea and removed them and added the hot shorts pictured below. Wha?! you ask?
Here's the conversation I had with myself:

Me: I have three weeks until the trip. If I lost 5 pounds a week, then those hot shorts might actually look luke warm on me!
Myself: Are you crazy? When has that ever worke…

Hey Cop Dog I Want My Money Back

**Spoiler Alert! The following contains major spoilers for the movie Cop Dog.**

We rented the movie "Cop Dog" yesterday, and let me warn you, that movie was falsely advertised. The movie poster has a picture of a cute, silly, happy looking dog holding a police badge up to the camera. So naturally, we assumed it would be a funny slapstick comedy for kids about a dog solving crimes, directing traffic and writing tickets. Not so. The opening scene is in a graveyard. The Cop Dog’s cop partner was killed and his family was trying to come to terms with his death. After the first 10 minutes, I assured my kids that it would start getting super funny at any minute. “Get ready, because as soon as all this death stuff is over, this show’s going to get hilarious!"

Well, I was wrong, it actually got sadder (is sadder even a word?). At that point, I couldn't take it anymore, so I assured the kids again that it would get better and then went into the kitchen to drown my sorrows …

Can't Get Enough Coverage

I'm trying to find a new swimsuit. Yes, I know summer is half over, but these things take time. Initially, my plan was to go for a nice long tankini and a modest pair of board shorts. But thanks to my superior internet searching skills, I've discovered that I have many more coverage options.

I've reached the point in my life where I'm not out to show anything off, accentuate anything, or basically be noticed while in a bathing suit in any way. I've given up on the notion that you can "balance" a generous hip area with high-cut legs and a fetching top. Sorry people but no matter what the "experts" say it wouldn't matter if I wore a suit with the leg opening cut to my bellybutton and a top with a flock of flamingos glued to it, the cottage cheese on my rear would still be the most noticeable thing.

Also with my advancing age and dare I say advancing maturity (hah, as if), I can't get enough coverage from the sun. I buy 100 SPF sunscreen, …