Fattening Conspiracy

Last week I realized I could stand to shed a couple of pounds, so decided to cut back on a few calories. Nothing drastic of course, just limiting myself to like 2 bowls of cereal at night instead of 3, taking 1 cookie at a time instead of 2...things that are easy, but after a week should make the skinny jeans somewhat wearable. Anyway, oddly, after a week of this, not only did I not lose any weight, I actually gained weight! How is that possible?

My first thought was that the scale wasn't working. (I broke down and bought a new scale.) But certain clothes don't lie, it was obvious the scale was accurate. My second thought was that there was a giant fattening conspiracy going on. Like maybe someone, or a group of someones, was making me gain weight. It really is the only logical answer. The question is, who would do that? Who would have something to gain by fattening me up?

That is a tricky question. At first I thought maybe my husband, but really, out of everyone he would have the least to gain. In fact, he would be the one most likely to suffer from my fattening (what with him having to listen all my whining and such). So scratch him off the list. My second suspect was the Government. But realistically, with all the hubbub they have to deal with right now--like the Angel Moroni being struck by lightening at the Oquirrh Mountain Temple--fattening me probably isn't a high priority. Scratch off the Government.

Then it hit me---terrorists! It has to be terrorists! Maybe they're fattening me as a test, and then based on the success of that, will execute their secret plot to fatten the rest of America.

So how are the terrorists doing this? Remember awhile back when we were all paranoid that the terrorists were going to poison our drinking water? Well, maybe they did, in a way, but instead of using cyanide, they're using some type of flavorless, odorless, colorless, fattening agent. It's the perfect terrorist act of terror because is just so darn terrifying! Stop and think about that for a sec. What if all the "healthy" low-cal or no-cal foods and beverages really weren't? What if you had absolutely no idea what had been terroristically fattened and what hadn't? What then would be safe to eat and drink? Are you terrified yet?

What do the terrorists have to gain from this conspiracy? I can't say for sure, but maybe their plan is to fatten us up until we're too large to chase after them! I for one can attest that if that is indeed their plan, then it is working. My pants are way too tight right now for me to chase down any terrorists. They can all sleep safe and sound in their mountain hideouts until the Government makes everything all better like they always do.


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