I'm Giving Up Carrot Sticks for Candy Bars

I was at the Super Target and needed a snack for the ride home. I was going to buy candy, but at the last minute decided on a bag of "baby" carrots.

As I drove out of the parking lot, I opened the bag and started eating. I ate one, then another, then another. No surprises. Then in went the fourth carrot. Huge surprise. Huge unpleasant surprise. It had the texture of a rubber mat and the flavor of bark with an unpalatable mossy slime coating. Blech. I couldn't even choke it down, so I had to sideline it. I didn't want to eat anymore, but was starving, and I paid $1.89 for them so was going to eat my fill. On carrot #7, another unpleasant surprise. This one was identical to an old dried-out stick. Apparently, the Jolly Green Giant was using the term "baby" in the Benjamin Button sort of way. That was it. I was finished. Why didn't I buy candy? Candy rarely has surprises. But when it does have surprises, it's usually pleasant ones. I'm forever delighted by the unexpected peanut-less peanut M&M or the wondrous peanut butter cup with extra peanut butter filling.

That bag full of unpleasant "baby" carrots was not unique. Many of my fruit and vegetable eating episodes have unhappy endings. These stories often come to an abrupt halt with me trying to discretely spit out yet another one of nature's unpleasant surprises. Conversely, most of my candy eating stories (and I have a lot of these) end happily. They usually end with me taking the last bite, wishing it wasn't the last, and looking eagerly forward to the next episode. How many apple eating stories end like that? Even at their best, I would only want to eat like one apple at a time.

Candy is made in labs by highly-educated scientists who are logical and are strongly motivated to create pleasant tasting treats with a very low margin of error. Nature has no such incentive. By natural law, for every sweet, delicious apple it creates, it must create a sour, mushy, nasty one. Nature is all about balance---Yin/Yang, Newton's 3rd Law, stuff like that. I once read a quote that said buying fruit and vegetables is all about taking a chance. Smart people know you should only take chances (i.e. risks) when the odds of success are strongly in your favor. Anytime you eat a carrot, you have a 50/50 chance of eating something disgusting. I don't like those odds. I'm getting out. Goodbye fruits and vegetables. Hello sweet, sweet candy. And don't be all, "oh, but what about those healthy vitamins!?" Bah. That's why they created multi-vitamins! Thank you scientists!!

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