Skip to main content

I'm Giving Up Carrot Sticks for Candy Bars

I was at the Super Target and needed a snack for the ride home. I was going to buy candy, but at the last minute decided on a bag of "baby" carrots.

As I drove out of the parking lot, I opened the bag and started eating. I ate one, then another, then another. No surprises. Then in went the fourth carrot. Huge surprise. Huge unpleasant surprise. It had the texture of a rubber mat and the flavor of bark with an unpalatable mossy slime coating. Blech. I couldn't even choke it down, so I had to sideline it. I didn't want to eat anymore, but was starving, and I paid $1.89 for them so was going to eat my fill. On carrot #7, another unpleasant surprise. This one was identical to an old dried-out stick. Apparently, the Jolly Green Giant was using the term "baby" in the Benjamin Button sort of way. That was it. I was finished. Why didn't I buy candy? Candy rarely has surprises. But when it does have surprises, it's usually pleasant ones. I'm forever delighted by the unexpected peanut-less peanut M&M or the wondrous peanut butter cup with extra peanut butter filling.

That bag full of unpleasant "baby" carrots was not unique. Many of my fruit and vegetable eating episodes have unhappy endings. These stories often come to an abrupt halt with me trying to discretely spit out yet another one of nature's unpleasant surprises. Conversely, most of my candy eating stories (and I have a lot of these) end happily. They usually end with me taking the last bite, wishing it wasn't the last, and looking eagerly forward to the next episode. How many apple eating stories end like that? Even at their best, I would only want to eat like one apple at a time.

Candy is made in labs by highly-educated scientists who are logical and are strongly motivated to create pleasant tasting treats with a very low margin of error. Nature has no such incentive. By natural law, for every sweet, delicious apple it creates, it must create a sour, mushy, nasty one. Nature is all about balance---Yin/Yang, Newton's 3rd Law, stuff like that. I once read a quote that said buying fruit and vegetables is all about taking a chance. Smart people know you should only take chances (i.e. risks) when the odds of success are strongly in your favor. Anytime you eat a carrot, you have a 50/50 chance of eating something disgusting. I don't like those odds. I'm getting out. Goodbye fruits and vegetables. Hello sweet, sweet candy. And don't be all, "oh, but what about those healthy vitamins!?" Bah. That's why they created multi-vitamins! Thank you scientists!!

Popular posts from this blog

Why Do We Take Sports So Seriously?

I wouldn't have ever been picked to be “Sporty Spice.” I'd probably get picked as the "Likes Stuffed Animals Too Much Spice." Point being, I wasn't much of a sports player or sports fan growing up. I spent most of my days cataloging my stuffed animals' life experiences in a notebook and stirring up self-directed trouble in the neighborhood.
In an ironic twist, in addition to their love of stuffed animals (thanks to me), my boys love sports. Four years ago I'd never heard of "Comp” Sports. Now, most of my time is spent practicing, playing, or talking about them---oh and let’s not forget paying for them.



15 years ago if someone told me I’d be a “baseball mom” who spent every weekend and weekday shuffling her kids to practices and games, I’d call them bat-crap crazy. (*Sigh* the things we’ll do for our kids…am I right?) 
Since my kids started playing sports, I’ve seen and heard a lot of things that made me question the inherent goodness of the average…

Rock, Paper, Scissors, Pencil

Okay, so I didn't succeed in stopping the Kaysville cannon this year. But next year will be different. Next year, I'm actually going to try. I'll keep you posted.

On to a different subject, which is somewhat related to the previous topic since both involve me improving the world. I'm looking to renew my childhood dream of adding pencil to the rock, paper, scissors game. I added it many, many years ago, and was able to successfully convert my next-door neighbor, so I'm pretty sure now that I'm all grown up and wiser and what not, that I'll have no problem convincing the rest of you to add it.

Instead of saying "Rock, Paper, Scissors" you will say "Rock, Paper, Scissors, Pencil." Okay, see now, it's a subtle but significant difference. There are four elements instead of three. It might seem a bit tricky at first, but you'll get the hang of it, and then you will never want to go back to the original version.

The rules are as follow…

How Much Should You Tip A Balloon Artist?

When did balloon animals get so complex? Check out the detail on these works of art:




I used to tip the balloon guy a dollar per balloon animal and felt like that was fair. Today with all the detail work the guy put in I felt $1.00 wasn't enough, so I upped it to $2.00. Now I'm wondering if that was too low. Also, when I asked where he learned his craft, he answered, "Jail." I LOLd. Would that warrant a higher tip? Then on the ride home my kids insisted that was his only job, and that made me sad.