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Dear Garden Snake Buddy,

There is no delicate way to put this, so I'll be direct; it's time for you to leave. I'm sorry it's come to this, but after what I saw on Sunday, you've given me no choice.

We've had some good times over the past year or two. In a way, you've been like a pet to me. I remember last summer how you used to slither out of the crack under our porch and scare me in the morning. And last fall, when the kids cried because they thought the snake smashed in the middle of the road was you...what a relief it was to find you safe and sound in your little crack.

I think I've been very gracious letting you stay here all this time considering that you're a snake and all (no offense, but you know what I mean) Now I think you've taken advantage of my hospitality. I saw that other snake with you on Sunday. We thought we were looking at you, when you suddenly slid past us into the crack to join your "friend." No part of the understanding we had included you inviting other snakes over. You, I could live with, but two snakes? We both know what two young snakes are apt to do when left alone in the dark. You two will create more and more and more snakes, until our house is filled up with snakes, like in that freaky pit from Indiana Jones. I can't stop thinking of all those snakes writhing and slithering over each other in massive piles, twisting their way up our staircase and then coiling silently under our bed sheets, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. See, I just scared myself writing that.

I don't want this to get messy. I'm sure you can understand where I'm coming from and will leave of your own accord. I'll give you until Friday for you and your girlfriend to move to another location. I wish you a long a prosperous life somewhere other than our front porch.



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