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Showing posts from April, 2009

How to Make the Zoo More Stimulating and Stimulate the Economy at the Same Time

Have you been to the zoo lately? Kind of boring huh? I recently went to the zoo with my son's Kindergarten class and can I just say, yawn. The most exciting thing, outside of the bus ride and lunch, was watching a zebra relieve himself. It would be much more exciting if the animals actually moved around and did things. Of course I don't think there's any PETA-acceptable way to make them do this for eight hours a day, seven days a week. The only animal we could humanely expect to entertain us for that long is a human. Thus leading to my suggestion. We get rid of all the lazy, do-nothing animals, and replace them with people in well-made animal costumes. The animals, or what we'd call "humanils," would be employees. They would be hired and paid just like any other job. Thus creating more jobs for people, thus stimulating the economy. They would be part time, so the zoo wouldn't have to take care of their medical needs. They would bring their own food and ta…

Maybe I'm Part of the Problem

You've heard it so many times it's become a cliche, boys love potty humor. I'm constantly asking my kids to stop with all the potty talk and my pleas generally go unheeded, but now I think I know why. In fact, I think a lot of it is probably my own fault.

They say that in the land of the blind, the one eye man is king. Well, likewise, I'm finding that in my house, where the funniest thing is to add the words "fart" "toot" or "burp" to the end of a sentence, I can be king. And all it takes, is some well-timed, basic, elementary fart jokes. No where else would this be the case. It's hard to resist the easy laughs. Now before you rush to judge me, consider the following example. Yesterday, Ryder was super excited and proud to tell us that he had just completed the following: he jumped from the chair, to the couch, then to the floor, and then, for the big finish, he tooted. I mean really, if they're going to set me up like that, how c…

DEAR BIG FAT HUMAN,

YOU THINK BUILDIN A HOUSE ON THE DIRT MAKE IT YOURS? GET REAL LADY. ITS US SNAKES WHO LET YOU LIVE HERE, NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND. SNAKES HERE LONG FOR YOU WERE AND WILL BE HERE WAY AFTA ALL YOU BIG FAT HUMANS DISAPPEAR. SO GET OVER YOURSELF.THE OTHER SNAKE HAS A NAME BY THE WAY ITS SHEILA AND NOT THAT ITS ANY OF YOUR BIDNESS BUT SHEILA IS JUS A FRIEND. YOU CANT TELL ME WHO I CAN OR CAN'T HANG WIT. AND TELL THOSE THREE SMALLER HUMANS TO LEAVE US ALONE. NEXT TIME I SEE ONE OF EM COMIN AT ME WIT A SHOVEL THINGS GONNA GET MESSY. WE GONNA MAKE THAT SCENE IN INDIANA JONES LOOK LIKE A KIDS SHOW. I AINT LEAVIN. SHEILA AINT LEAVIN. YOURE BIG AND FAT AND HUMAN. FATTY FATTY HUMAN. YOURE FAT.
--GARDEN SNAKE "BUDDY"

Dear Garden Snake Buddy,

There is no delicate way to put this, so I'll be direct; it's time for you to leave. I'm sorry it's come to this, but after what I saw on Sunday, you've given me no choice.

We've had some good times over the past year or two. In a way, you've been like a pet to me. I remember last summer how you used to slither out of the crack under our porch and scare me in the morning. And last fall, when the kids cried because they thought the snake smashed in the middle of the road was you...what a relief it was to find you safe and sound in your little crack.

I think I've been very gracious letting you stay here all this time considering that you're a snake and all (no offense, but you know what I mean) Now I think you've taken advantage of my hospitality. I saw that other snake with you on Sunday. We thought we were looking at you, when you suddenly slid past us into the crack to join your "friend." No part of the understanding we had included yo…

I'm Giving Up Carrot Sticks for Candy Bars

I was at the Super Target and needed a snack for the ride home. I was going to buy candy, but at the last minute decided on a bag of "baby" carrots.

As I drove out of the parking lot, I opened the bag and started eating. I ate one, then another, then another. No surprises. Then in went the fourth carrot. Huge surprise. Huge unpleasant surprise. It had the texture of a rubber mat and the flavor of bark with an unpalatable mossy slime coating. Blech. I couldn't even choke it down, so I had to sideline it. I didn't want to eat anymore, but was starving, and I paid $1.89 for them so was going to eat my fill. On carrot #7, another unpleasant surprise. This one was identical to an old dried-out stick. Apparently, the Jolly Green Giant was using the term "baby" in the Benjamin Button sort of way. That was it. I was finished. Why didn't I buy candy? Candy rarely has surprises. But when it does have surprises, it's usually pleasant ones. I'm forever del…

Little Guy Turns 4---Faces Chuck E Cheese Fear

Ryder turned four on Saturday! He had a cousin birthday party at the local Chuck E Cheese (why didn't I open that franchise in Layton---I'd be swimming in money right now!). Chuck E was at the party, but you'll have to take my word for it, because as you may have noticed, he is suspiciously absent from the pictures. At no point was our little guy closer than 50 feet to the giant grotesque rodent. However, he did manage to be in the same room as Chuck E without shedding a single tear---major progress considering his once crippling phobia to people in oversized animal costumes.

Sweet New Bike! Check out the bow...courtesy of Daddy. Who knew he had bow making skills?
Here's the Autobot Cake! Okay, I cheated, that's a plastic toy on top.


Ryder had a blast and loved all the presents everyone brought!
Ryder is so excited to be four, because according to him, now he'll be able to take on four bullies at a time! That's my boy!