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This year I resolve to...uh, what was the question?

I haven't kept a single New Year's resolution. Ever. Not one. I keep making them year after year because I like to. For the short moment when I think of a resolution, write it down, and then walk away, I feel all hopeful and giddy like I'm finally going to change all my bad habits once and for all. I love that moment. I just love it. Even if it's a lie, even if it's not going to last, it still feels good. It's like getting an award without having to do anything. So it would be like winning an Oscar for doing nothing, and then having them take it away five minutes later, but around the fourth minute, you forget all about it in the first place, so after it was gone, you weren't really sad anyway. It's like that. It's an addictive cheap thrill. That's why I get so excited to write down all my new goals for the year...on account of that fact that I'm really into addictive cheap thrills.

So here they are for 2008!
  1. Make crumpets.
  2. Clean off the top of my dresser.
  3. Get a pedicure.
  4. Buy a new purse.
  5. Spray more pesticide.
  6. Visit a candy factory.
  7. Win something.
  8. Get a pap smear.
  9. Organize a neighborhood water fight.
  10. End slavery.

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