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Showing posts from January, 2009

Throw out Your Kid's Art Projects

Are you debating what to do with all the art projects your precious little ones make at school and bring home to show you? Do you go into fits of guilt at the thought of throwing them away? Do you think you're doing your kids a favor by saving them? If so, I hope the following will enlighten you.

When I was in third grade, we were given an assignment to do a water color picture. Having recently read the novel, Bambi, I chose him as my model. I painstakingly sketched Bambi amongst a dense forested backdrop. Then I carefully, oh so carefully, painted him and the rest of the page. I don't remember ever taking so much time or making so much of an effort on any other art project before or since. I knew that this picture would be the one. This would be the one that would make everyone realize what a talented artist I truly was. I seriously thought about sending it into a book publisher so they could put it on the cover of the Bambi book.

After it dried and I received my grade I broug…

I'm Going to Fake It

I've never been a fan of housework. When I was a kid, after running out of ways to avoid it, I conjured little fantasies in order to endure my Saturday chore list. While I was dusting the living room, I used to pretend I was Alice from the Brady Bunch. It helped pass the time and made it more bearable, but made the chore last twice as long. Part-way into my cleaning, Mrs. Brady would usually die (ah, the tragedy). Then, one night after the funeral, Mr. Brady would see me with my hair down and fall madly in love with long last! (I always thought Mike Brady was hot---pre-perm of course.) While we'd dated, he made the kids do most of the cleaning. After the wedding, we hired a new maid. She looked a lot like the former Mrs. Brady, but surly and not as attractive. With all this drama going on, my cleaning rate was of course extremely slow. Maybe that's why my mom seldom asked me to do much cleaning.

The Alice fantasies don't really help me endure housework anymore.…

3D Dinosaurs Prove To Be Too Much

I thought I would be doing the boys a huge favor by taking them to see the
DINOSAURS 3D: GIANTS OF PATAGONIA IMAX movie today at the Clark Planetarium. Before we went, I searched for a "too scary for little kids" warnings on their website and didn't find one, so figured we were good to go. The boys had never seen a 3D movie before, so I did my best to prepare them for it. I stood behind a doorway and said, "Look at me I'm at a movie. It's in 3D!"When I said "3D!" I lurched through through the doorway. I did that three or four times. They thought it was funny, and then thought it was dumb---I should have quit after the first time. Shockingly, it turns out my 3D simulation did nothing to prepare them for the actual horrors of a 3D movie.

Things went well at first. We sat down and tried on the glasses. First over our eyes, then on our heads, then back on our eyes. We talked about how we couldn't keep the glasses---eventhough according to my fi…

Biggest Loser Makes Me Snacky

There's a television show called America's Biggest Loser--- maybe you've heard of it. I was watching it the other day during the commercials for America's Biggest Idol. Here's the question. Shouldn't that show make viewers want to eat less? I mean, seeing those 400+ pound contestants stop eating their favorite foods and working out for 6 hours a days should really inspire everyone to put down the Doritos bag and jump on a treadmill. Not to mention, seeing those poor people without their shirts should definitely do it, right? Okay, now I'm not sure why, but that show actually has the opposite effect on me. Whenever I watch it, all I want to do is eat snacks. Seriously, whenever both shows aired simultaneous commercials I found myself upstairs rooting around the fridge and pantry for tasty snacks. I've been trying to figure out why, and I've come up with three theories.

1. They say that your subconscious has trouble differentiating events that you actu…

Men are Awesome

I would like to say a few words in honor of men. Sometimes we take men for granted. So can I just say, that you men out there, you're all right. Why? Two reasons: shoveling and two-stroke engines.

Let's start with shoveling. Is there anything sexier than a man with a shovel? I mean seriously, have you ever tried shoveling? It's really hard. I mean bordering on impossibly hard. Granted, as we all know I'm a wimp, but still, shoveling ain't easy. Enter the man. Give a man a shovel and he can change the world. Men can dig up dirt, shovel snow, or dig a trench in a matter of minutes. I've seen it a million times, but I still stand in wonder whenever I watch a man work a shovel. Oooo I just got the chills picturing it.

Next, the two-stroke engine. I've heard about the fabled two-stroke engine my whole life (and smelled it---mmmmm, nothing quite like that smell), but never even gave it a second thought until recently. Apparently, to make a two-stroke engine work (l…

This year I resolve to...uh, what was the question?

I haven't kept a single New Year's resolution. Ever. Not one. I keep making them year after year because I like to. For the short moment when I think of a resolution, write it down, and then walk away, I feel all hopeful and giddy like I'm finally going to change all my bad habits once and for all. I love that moment. I just love it. Even if it's a lie, even if it's not going to last, it still feels good. It's like getting an award without having to do anything. So it would be like winning an Oscar for doing nothing, and then having them take it away five minutes later, but around the fourth minute, you forget all about it in the first place, so after it was gone, you weren't really sad anyway. It's like that. It's an addictive cheap thrill. That's why I get so excited to write down all my new goals for the year...on account of that fact that I'm really into addictive cheap thrills.

So here they are for 2008!
Make crumpets.Clean off the top of…