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The Truth about Pantyhose

I haven't worn pantyhose in years. I'm not even sure if that's what they're still called.

In the summer I wear sandals with skirts (albeit with guilt*). In the winter, I wear boots.

I decided to start wearing heels to church, so I went to Super Target and bought a pair of pantyhose.

Can I just say, they're awful. I remember now why I stopped wearing them.

The one thing I did remember about them is the weekly struggle I had tugging them on, so I intentionally bought them a size too big. They do go on more easily, but now they bunch and fold and sag (ha, that's the exact description I was going to use to describe the cellulite on my rearend!).

The other problem is the panty part of the pantyhose. I assume the idea behind it is to contain and define the ol' derriere. Unfortunately, the panty part isn't long enough, or maybe my heiny isn't short enough (okay, there's no maybe about it. It doesn't end wear it's suppose to. Will it be down to my knees in ten years?). So what I end up with is an upper bulge, followed by a dent, followed by a lower bulge. Both bulges are contained and defined, but it's not good, it's not good at all! It totally accentuates the parts of my body that I don't want to think about. After putting them on, all I could think about was, "bulge, dent, bulge" (well, until I got to church, then all I could think about was, "is it over yet?").

So that's my sad tale. I don't have a solution, I don't have any advice. I could lie and say it inspired me to lose a few pounds, but I won't. If it had, I wouldn't have eaten all that Halloween candy yesterday. I guess this is one of those things I will just have to live with.

* A few years ago some women in our church gave a lesson about the moral depravity of not wearing pantyhose. I didn't start wearing them, but did start feeling guilty about not wearing them.

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